Can’t Let Go of the Past? The Psychology of How to Forgive Yourself and Heal

We have all been there at 2:00 AM, staring at the ceiling while a mental movie of our past mistakes plays on an endless loop. Whether it is a sharp word spoken in anger, an opportunity missed due to fear, or a moral lapse that feels unforgivable, the weight of self-blame can be crushing. Unlike forgiving others, which allows us to walk away from the source of pain, forgiving yourself requires you to live in the same skin as the person who caused the harm. It is a unique psychological challenge that can leave you feeling stuck, isolated, and exhausted.

However, remaining trapped in a cycle of shame is not a life sentence, nor is it a requirement for taking responsibility. Psychology offers us a different perspective: self-forgiveness is not a feeling that simply arrives one day; it is a structured, intentional skill that can be learned and practiced. By understanding the mechanisms of guilt and utilizing evidence-based frameworks, you can move from self-flagellation to genuine healing. This journey requires courage, but the destination—a life of renewed purpose and emotional freedom—is worth the effort.

The Heavy Cost of Holding On

Before diving into how to forgive, it is essential to understand why it matters so much to your overall health. When we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, we are not just engaging in a mental exercise; we are activating a stress response that impacts our entire system. Research consistently demonstrates that self-forgiveness is a robust predictor of psychological well-being. Individuals who practice self-forgiveness report higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, and emotional stability, alongside lower levels of depression and anxiety (Davis et al., 2015; Vismaya et al., 2024).

The impact extends beyond just our mood. The mind and body are intrinsically connected, and chronic self-blame acts as a stressor that wears down physical health over time. While the link between self-forgiveness and physical health is generally more modest than its link to mental health, it is nonetheless significant, particularly regarding stress regulation. For example, studies involving people managing chronic conditions, such as HIV or spinal cord injuries, show that self-forgiveness predicts better perceived health and helps reduce the "allostatic load," or the cumulative burden of chronic stress on the body (Toussaint et al., 2023; Cornish et al., 2022). By lowering this internal stress alarm, we allow our nervous systems to regulate, potentially improving cardiovascular health and immune function (Skalski‐Bednarz et al., 2024).

Why Is It So Hard to Let Go?

If self-forgiveness is so beneficial, why is it arguably the hardest form of forgiveness to achieve? The difficulty often lies in a misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually is. Many people fear that if they forgive themselves, they are letting themselves "off the hook" or minimizing the harm they caused. We often mistakenly believe that suffering is the only valid way to pay for our mistakes.

Psychologically, this is where the "Dual-Process Model" becomes relevant. This framework suggests that true self-forgiveness involves two distinct but related tasks: value affirmation (accepting responsibility and making amends) and esteem restoration (rebuilding your sense of worth) (Griffin et al., 2024). You can accept full responsibility for a mistake while simultaneously recognizing that you are a multifaceted human being worthy of love. When we get stuck, it is usually because we have collapsed these two processes, believing that to accept responsibility, we must destroy our self-esteem.

Proven Frameworks for Healing

Fortunately, you do not have to navigate this terrain without a map. Clinical research identifies several structured models that effectively promote self-forgiveness. These frameworks provide a step-by-step scaffolding to help you move through the pain rather than avoiding it.

1. Enright’s Process Model

One of the most established and scientifically supported frameworks is Enright’s Process Model. This approach views forgiveness as a journey through four distinct phases, and it has been found effective in both clinical and self-directed settings (Kim et al., 2021).

• The Uncovering Phase: This is often the most painful part, where you stop running from the guilt. You face the wrongdoing squarely, acknowledging the specific actions you regret and, importantly, acknowledging how your self-resentment is impacting your current life (Vismaya et al., 2024). You admit that the "2:00 AM replay" is making you anxious, tired, or emotionally unavailable.

• The Decision Phase: This is a pivot point. You realize that your current strategy of self-punishment is not working. You make a conscious choice to try a new path—not because you feel like it, but because you want to heal. This is a commitment to the process of forgiveness, even if the feelings haven't caught up yet.

• The Work Phase: This involves reframing the narrative. You work to develop compassion for yourself, understanding the context in which the mistake was made (e.g., were you stressed? young? uninformed?) without excusing the behavior. This phase often involves what researchers call "moral repair," where you take concrete steps to make amends if possible.

• The Deepening Phase: Finally, you find meaning in the suffering. You may realize that this experience has made you more empathetic to others or more aware of your values. The guilt transforms from a weapon into wisdom that guides your future actions.

  
  

2. The REACH Model

Another highly effective framework, originally designed for interpersonal forgiveness but adapted for self-forgiveness, is the REACH model. Research indicates that workbook-based REACH interventions are particularly helpful for individuals who prefer privacy due to intense shame (Skalski‐Bednarz et al., 2025).

• R - Recall the Hurt: vividly recall the event without judging yourself as a "bad person," but looking at the event objectively.

• E - Empathize: Apply empathy to yourself. Acknowledge the human factors that contributed to your mistake.

• A - Altruistic Gift: View forgiveness as a gift you give yourself, not something you earn through suffering.

• C - Commit: Make a public or written commitment to forgive yourself. This anchors the internal change in external reality.

• H - Hold: Hold onto forgiveness when doubts arise. When the guilt returns, you remind yourself that you have already done the work and made the commitment.

  
  

Overcoming Emotional Barriers with Imagery

Sometimes, our logical brain understands we should forgive, but our emotional brain refuses to cooperate. This is where therapeutic techniques like Guided Imagery and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be powerful. These approaches use meditation and visualization to address the emotional barriers that cognitive talk therapy might miss (Vismaya et al., 2024).

Imagine utilizing an IFS approach where you visualize the part of you that is holding the guilt. Instead of screaming at that part to "go away," you approach it with curiosity. You might ask, "What are you trying to protect me from?" Often, you will find that the guilt is trying to prevent you from making the same mistake again. By negotiating with these internal parts, you can assure them that you have learned the lesson, allowing the emotional intensity to subside. Emotion-focused therapy also supports this by helping individuals resolve conflicting emotions, fostering a sense of self-acceptance that integrates both the "good" and "bad" parts of the self (Vismaya et al., 2024).

Integrating Forgiveness into Daily Life

Moving through these models takes time, and it is rarely a linear process. You might reach the "Deepening" phase of Enright’s model, only to be triggered by a memory that sends you back to the "Uncovering" phase. This is normal. The goal is not perfection, but resilience.

To support this process, consider the role of self-compassion. Research shows that self-compassion mediates the relationship between self-forgiveness and well-being (Goel & Appachu, 2024). This means that being kind to yourself is the vehicle that delivers the benefits of forgiveness. When you stumble, instead of a harsh internal critic, try to adopt the tone of a wise, caring mentor. Remind yourself that your worth is not defined by your worst moment.

Conclusion: Your Next Step Toward Healing

Self-forgiveness is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer yourself, and the science is clear: it is a skill you can build. Whether you choose the structured phases of the Enright model, the step-by-step approach of REACH, or the emotional depth of guided imagery, the key is to begin. You do not have to carry the heavy stone of the past forever. By integrating responsibility with self-compassion, you can put the backpack down and walk into your future with a lighter step.

Today, try the "Decision Phase" of the Enright model. Write down one specific regret that has been weighing on you. Then, write a simple statement: "I am choosing to stop punishing myself for this, not to excuse it, but to begin the process of healing." Read it aloud. This small act of will is the first step toward freedom.

About the Author

Esther Adams, Doctor of Psychology

Published Scholar

Certified EMDR Therapist

MSW, CTMH, CFT, CCTP, CCFP, CMHIMP, ICADC, CPLC, CBDT, CGCS, CAMS-II, CDVS-I, CCATP, CAMC, CSAM-CA, ADHD-CCTP, C-PD, ASDCS, CSTS, CMNCS

Esther is a trained trauma-informed psychotherapist with a virtual and in-person private practice located on a serene horse farm in Sitirya, Israel. Her approach integrates psychoeducation, EMDR, and animal-assisted therapy to help clients heal and thrive.

References

Cornish, M., Meyer, J., Short, K., Harris, L., Hunter, E., & Quadlander, E. (2022). Forgiveness and wellbeing after spinal cord injury: Perceived stress and adaptation to disability as mediators. Rehabilitation Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/rep0000459

Davis, D., Ho, M., Griffin, B., Bell, C., Hook, J., Van Tongeren, D., DeBlaere, C., Worthington, E., & Westbrook, C. (2015). Forgiving the self and physical and mental health correlates: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(2), 329-335. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000063

Goel, V., & Appachu, H. (2024). Positive ageing: Self-compassion as a mediator between forgiveness and psychological well-being in older adults. Working with Older People. https://doi.org/10.1108/wwop-05-2024-0022

Griffin, B., Norman, S., Weber, M., Hinkson, K., Jendro, A., Pyne, J., Worthington, E., & Maguen, S. (2024). Properties of the modified self-forgiveness dual-process scale in populations at risk for moral injury. Stress and Health: Journal of the International Society for the Investigation of Stress, e3413. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.3413

Kim, J., Ragasajo, L., Kolacz, R., Painter, K., Pritchard, J., & Wrobleski, A. (2021). The Interplay between Divine, Victim, and Self-forgiveness: The Relationship between Three Types of Forgiveness and Psychological Outcomes. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 50, 414 - 427. https://doi.org/10.1177/00916471211046226

Skalski‐Bednarz, S., Toussaint, L., & Konaszewski, K. (2025). Situational Characteristics and Emotional Forgiveness: A Two‐Wave Study With Socially Maladjusted Youths in Poland. Psychology in the Schools, 62. https://doi.org/10.1002/pits.23452

Skalski‐Bednarz, S., Toussaint, L., & Surzykiewicz, J. (2024). Beyond HIV Shame: Effects of Self-Forgiveness in Improving Mental Health in HIV-Positive Individuals in Poland. Journal of Religion and Health, 63, 4232 - 4254. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-024-02084-7

Toussaint, L., Skalski‐Bednarz, S., Lanoix, J., Konaszewski, K., & Surzykiewicz, J. (2023). The Relationship Between Forgiveness and Health Outcomes Among People Living with HIV: A Cross-Sectional Study in France. AIDS and Behavior, 27, 3332 - 3341. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10461-023-04052-w

Vismaya, A., Gopi, A., Romate, J., & Rajkumar, E. (2024). Psychological interventions to promote self-forgiveness: A systematic review. BMC Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-024-01671-3

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