The Most Effective Ways to Forgive Others and Yourself: Evidence-Based Approaches That Work

TL;DR

Forgiveness is not a moment; it’s a structured process. Research shows that when people engage in evidence-based approaches like Enright’s or Worthington’s models—especially those that involve empathy, self-compassion, and reaffirming personal values—mental well-being improves significantly. Tailored, patient-centered methods are key, particularly when distinguishing genuine healing from premature or superficial gestures of forgiveness.

Key Takeaways

• Forgiveness benefits both mental and emotional health, but it’s not always straightforward.

• The most effective approaches are structured, individualized, and emphasize empathy, responsibility, and self-compassion.

• For self-forgiveness, acknowledging harm and reaffirming one’s values are essential for genuine healing.

• Superficial forgiveness can do more harm than good; ethical clarity and timing matter.

• Models like Enright’s and Worthington’s offer replicable, research-supported frameworks.

Introduction

Forgiveness can often be misunderstood as a single act or decision. In reality, it’s a nuanced, evolving process that touches on our emotional, cognitive, and relational worlds. Whether we are trying to forgive others or ourselves, the act holds the potential to reduce distress, mend relationships, and restore a sense of internal balance. But forgiveness isn’t automatic—it’s something we learn to cultivate, step by intentional step.

The Psychology of Forgiveness

Understanding Forgiveness as a Process

Forgiveness is best understood as a progression—not an event. It unfolds in stages, typically involving memory recall, emotional response, meaning-making, and behavioral change. Psychological researchers have spent decades unpacking this, revealing that forgiveness involves both letting go of resentment and actively fostering goodwill, either toward others or ourselves.

Forgiving Others: The Role of Empathy and Commitment

When someone causes harm, the pathway to forgiveness often begins with revisiting the experience in a safe and structured way. According to extensive research, especially that of Wade et al. (2014) and Baskin & Enright (2004), empathizing with the offender plays a critical role. The decision to forgive is often solidified when the forgiver can connect with the humanity of the offender—acknowledging their fallibility without excusing the harm.

Key elements:

• Recall the offense without minimizing it.

• Empathize with the offender’s circumstances.

• Commit to forgiveness as an internal goal.

• Transform resentment into a less toxic, more bearable emotional state.

Forgiving Yourself: The Path Through Guilt and Restoration

Self-forgiveness introduces an additional layer of complexity. It’s easy to fall into self-condemnation or avoidance. Effective self-forgiveness requires both accountability and gentleness. Research by Woodyatt and Wenzel (2013) illustrates the importance of acknowledging one’s wrongdoing, making amends where possible, and then re-centering on one’s core values and capacity for growth.

Core actions:

• Take responsibility for the harm.

• Allow appropriate guilt, but resist toxic shame.

• Engage in value reaffirmation to rebuild self-trust.

• Cultivate self-compassion as a sustainable counterbalance.

Evidence-Based Forgiveness Models

Enright’s Process Model

Developed by psychologist Robert Enright, this model involves four major phases:

1. Uncovering: Acknowledging the pain and its impact.

2. Decision: Choosing to begin the forgiveness journey.

3. Work: Developing empathy and reframing the offender.

4. Deepening: Discovering meaning, moving forward.

Enright’s framework has been validated in both clinical and non-clinical settings, showing consistent reductions in anxiety, anger, and depression.

Worthington’s REACH Model

Everett Worthington’s model builds on five steps:

• R: Recall the hurt.

• E: Empathize with the offender.

• A: Offer an altruistic gift of forgiveness.

• C: Commit to forgive.

• H: Hold onto forgiveness.

Studies show the REACH model is particularly effective when combined with emotion regulation strategies and longer, individualized sessions.

Key Ingredients for Effective Forgiveness

Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Forgiveness without empathy risks being shallow. The ability to step into someone else’s mental and emotional framework helps dissolve the rigidity of anger. Whether applied to interpersonal forgiveness or the inner dialogue of self-forgiveness, empathy builds the bridge toward understanding and release.

Self-Compassion and Value Reaffirmation

Self-forgiveness isn’t about exonerating oneself from accountability—it’s about healing without erasure. According to Woodyatt et al. (2017), there are two effective routes:

• Hedonic: Through self-kindness and emotional soothing.

• Eudaimonic: Through recommitment to core personal values after wrongdoing.

Both avenues help reduce rumination, guilt, and self-punishment while increasing personal integrity.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Forgiveness flourishes in an emotionally regulated internal environment. Techniques such as mindfulness and guided imagery have shown promise in reducing defensiveness and encouraging emotional balance. These approaches support the process without pushing it unnaturally forward.

Repair and Amends

In both forgiving others and ourselves, the inclusion of reparative behaviors—sincere apologies, amends, or behavioral change—can dramatically alter the trajectory. They shift forgiveness from a private, internal matter to a relational act of healing, grounded in accountability.

Tailoring Forgiveness to the Individual

There’s no universal script for forgiveness. What works for one person may not resonate with another. Factors such as personal history, cultural background, religious beliefs, and emotional readiness all influence the approach. Longer and individually tailored interventions tend to yield the strongest outcomes (Lundahl et al., 2008).

Ethical Concerns and the Risk of Pseudo-Forgiveness

Encouraging someone to forgive before they’re ready—or when it’s unsafe—can cause harm. Forgiveness is not the same as excusing, forgetting, or reconciling. Particularly in the context of abuse or trauma, premature forgiveness can invalidate the survivor’s experience or enable further harm.

Similarly, self-forgiveness without responsibility can foster denial. The goal is genuine healing, not bypass.

FAQ

What is the difference between forgiving and excusing?

Forgiving involves a conscious decision to release resentment, whereas excusing typically involves downplaying or ignoring the offense.

Is self-forgiveness selfish?

Not when it’s authentic. Genuine self-forgiveness requires acknowledging harm, making amends, and committing to growth.

Can forgiveness happen without an apology?

Yes. While apologies help, forgiveness is an internal process that does not require external validation.

How long does forgiveness take?

There’s no timeline. Some find relief in weeks, others take years. What matters is that the process is honest and aligned with one’s values.

Does forgiving mean I have to reconcile?

No. Forgiveness is internal. Reconciliation requires mutual effort, trust, and safety.

Conclusion

Forgiveness, both of others and oneself, is among the most powerful psychological processes we can undertake—but it is also among the most delicate. Evidence-based models show us that when we engage thoughtfully, with empathy, responsibility, and self-kindness, we create space for meaningful change. Not every wrong can—or should—be forgiven immediately, but when forgiveness is right, it offers a path not only out of resentment, but toward a fuller, more integrated self.

References

1. Akhtar, S., & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness Therapy for the Promotion of Mental Well-Being: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(1), 107–122. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838016637079

2. Baskin, T., & Enright, R. (2004). Intervention Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta‐Analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82(1), 79–90. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6678.2004.tb00288.x

3. Cornish, M., & Wade, N. (2015). Working through past wrongdoing: Examination of a self-forgiveness counseling intervention. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(3), 521–528. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000080

4. Davis, D. E., et al. (2015). Forgiving the self and physical and mental health correlates: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(2), 329–335. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000063

5. Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.

6. Lundahl, B., et al. (2008). Process-Based Forgiveness Interventions: A Meta-Analytic Review. Research on Social Work Practice, 18(5), 465–478. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049731507313979

7. Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035268

8. Woodyatt, L., & Wenzel, M. (2013). Self-Forgiveness and Restoration Following an Interpersonal Transgression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32(2), 225–259. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2013.32.2.225

9. Woodyatt, L., Wenzel, M., & Ferber, M. (2017). Two pathways to self‐forgiveness: A hedonic path via self‐compassion and a eudaimonic path via the reaffirmation of violated values. British Journal of Social Psychology, 56(3), 515–536. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjso.12194

10. Worthington, E. L. (1998). An empathy‐humility‐commitment model of forgiveness applied within family dyads. Journal of Family Therapy, 20(1), 59–76. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.00068